The Line Between Personable and Personal

If you bartend, waiter or waitress long enough you will eventually be faced with the choice of crossing the line between being personable or getting personal with a customer. If you want to make some serious money in this profession then you must learn where that line is and how to avoid it gracefully.

It is easier for a bartender to escape these situations than it is for a waitress. First, the bar will be much faster paced. You don't spend a lot of time with one person when serving a drink. No silverware, extra napkins, drinks, ketchup etc. Just serve the drink and your customer has what they ordered. There is also a constant flow of other customers who you must attend to so you move out of a sticky situation a lot faster. Lastly, people drinking at the bar are much more inclined to keep the conversation one way, that being on them! Not all, but alcohol can do that so bartenders really do have an advantage there. You can often just listen to their problems and they won't ask you anything. They often just want your ear!

For whatever reason, waitresses and waiters are much more susceptible to a barrage of personal questions from patrons than bartenders. This is especially true of regular patrons after a few months of you "getting to know them" (which really means after a few months of waiting on them!) These types of customers are generally bored or lonely and they most certainly do exist! Now don't get me wrong, they aren't bad people. Just that they don't stop to think that you are working and that it's not a social event for you as it may be for them. These folks often want to feel like "family" and have a distorted prospective as to what they are actually doing there. (eating!) It is your job to know when and how to cut it off!

When I say your job, I don't mean you'll read this in your employee manual. This is just an unspoken part of being a good server or bartender. If you want to become one of the "Good ones", a true professional and make the big tips, you'll learn when and how to cut it off, where to draw the line. And you won't offend anybody in doing so.

The easiest way to do this is to not start. If what I'm about to say is common sense to you, then you have the makings for being a good server or bartender! I thought a quick basic list here would be appropriate:

Kids-Husband-Wife: If you have kids, it's natural that a regular customer will get around to a few questions about them. And it's fine to be personable about your kids once in a while. But you don't need to tell them who they're dating, what trouble they got into, your birthing pains with your 2nd child, any medical conditions they may have or any of a number of "personal" details about your life. Keep the spouse or boyfriend out too! These are all personal things. It's certainly fine to talk a little about your spouse, but you just have to really clam up after the basics. It's nobody's business and these aren't your true and tested friends, they are complete strangers really! Think about it.

Finance: Don't get into your problems with money. Don't get into their problems with money. If they mention things are tight this month and they are losing hours at work or their house isn't selling then just smile, say your sorry to hear that and things will get better and "can I get you a refill on your water?" Just get out of there! You don't have to be mean, just make a quick exit and if they try it one more time do it again. They'll get the hint. Continue to be as personable as ever but keep the conversation limited to small talk or news topics, nothing personal!

Co Workers: Do not discuss co-workers with customers, EVER. It's unprofessional and gossipy. Just smile and say you don't know. Come on, you know that's just low. You shouldn't do it no matter what. You could easily find yourself in a mess with so many webs around you that you'll never get out. If you stay away from this one you will go so much further in this (or any) profession! Don't let a customer pull you into that trap. Co-workers, including bosses and owners, are OFF LIMITS for conversation to customers unless it's positively just small talk.

Problems: This just means anything that's bugging you. Don't be telling your customers about your late fees on your CC or your mother in law's rude comments, your doctors visits or how your neighbors are keeping you up at night. These are all personal and to most customers, these topics would be boring. If they aren't boring to the customer, you're setting yourself up big time because they are going to get into your head and life as much as possible. It will affect your work and your tips. Keep your problems to yourself.

This isn't to say that you will never ever get personal with a regular customer. There are of course some instances where the customer crosses the line of being "customer" to being "friend" too! But these are rare cases, certainly not the norm. The bottom line is if you want to be making the best tips, have the least amount of stress and be viewed upon by your fellow employees and customers as a leader and a professional, you'll keep the personal stuff off limits with customers.

As you learn to be aware of this, you'll see it often happens quite subtly and almost exclusively with very regular customers. Learning how to stop it before it gains any momentum is what separates the professional from the mediocre in this business of serving people. When you can balance being personable without being personal, you have put yourself above the pack and you will be rewarded for it in bigger tips, better employment opportunities and great respect from everyone around you. This is just one aspect of earning bigger tips, but it's an important one!